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I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
When you`re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don`t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.
Caller ID should be more detailed~ "Wants Help Moving" "Going to Whine" "Will Ask to Borrow Money"
Deadliest Catch and Jersey Shore - two reality tv shows about catching crabs
You know your phone can take pictures of other people too right? Just checking.
Who`s up for some curling in my driveway?
I`d better check my phone for texts from friends. *checks phone* Well, I`d better get some friends...
It’s amazing how much more money I have when I’m drunk.
This week’s weather forecast: Sweaty underboobs.
Saw a flying saucer today. It appeared right after the flying cup that my wife threw at me.
Legos are practice for when you get older & buy Ikea furniture
The average human uses less than 10 percent of the remote.
Due to the economic crisis and ever increasing price of food, the 5 second drop rule has now been increased to 10.
The bouncer from my local nightclub calls me Macauley Culkin because I always go home alone.
Hell hath no fury like a girl tagged in an unapproved pic on Facebook.