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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, "Guess how many fingers."
Ladys have it easy, if they ever do start to loose an argument they can just start playing with their boobs
Don`t exercise ... fat people are harder to kidnap
Swag is for boys. Class is for men.
I had been dreaming about eating a giant marshmallow, when I woke up my pillow was gone! :O
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I`m beginning to wonder if you`re a T-Rex.
When someone says I love you over the phone and you don`t feel the same, just say `I love youtube` but say it really fast!
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2.
Sometimes I feel like a semicolon. I don`t know where I belong.
Everyone is beautiful in their own way, your way just happens to be in the dark.
thinks it would be great if we really burped bubbles when we were drunk .. just like in cartoons.
The girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.. so I went out and got drunk.
I don`t want to brag or make anybody jealous, but I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
You had me at Rice Krispies Treats