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Sometimes I speak in a different font but no one ever notices.
Woah.. the room is spinning.. I knew the world revolved around me.. ;)
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it`s like they had those babies for nothing.
Remember years ago when we didn`t have facebook and we had to take pictures of our food and get the film developed at the chemist get all your friends round your house and show them what you have been eating ...the good old days
By the time someone says something in the meeting worth writing down, I`ve likely already taken my pen apart and lost the spring.
Tip to get out of jury duty: Begin every answer with “According to the prophecy.”
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
I don`t understand interventions. What`s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of reasons why I drink in the first place?
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
I do what I want, when I want, where I want.. if my mom says its ok. :)
I`ve been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants. Feefiphobia.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.
When a woman asks you for your opinion all she really wants to hear is her opinion repeated word for word but in your voice.