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It`s pretty cool how vodka always has such `great` ideas.
What do people mean when they say the computer went down on them?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Scariest thing ever: when a kid sings a nursery rhyme really slow.
I never get nervous or embarrassed. That`s just some sh*t that sober people who leave the house have to worry about.
If there are ice cream trucks in the summer, why aren’t there Starbucks pumpkin spice latte trucks in the winter?
The worst part of being naked is not having pockets.
I`d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we`re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, or the ice dispenser..
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
Being the fat guy at McDonald`s is like being the muscle guy at the gym. People stay out of your way cause they know you mean business.
Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has been canceled. In other news, my faith in humanity has been restored.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
Is it bad when I´m talking to myself and I´m not even listening?
How big does a cupcake have to be before it’s just a cake?
Ok everyone enough of your "family" time, come back to the internet. We are your real family.