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Does this status update make me look fat?
Just once when they interview a serial killer’s neighbor I’d like to hear them say “Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me, he was a real Weirdo”
If you see me talking to myself don`t be alarmed. I`m getting expert advice.
Stairs are like rock climbing after a bottle of vodka.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
Can someone`s face be a pet peeve?
Normal people scare me ... But not as much as I scare them. :)
My chiropractor just told me that I`m well adjusted. See? Not everyone thinks I`m a total weirdo...
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
I`m tough and can take whatever life throws at me ... Especially if its dipped in chocolate first.
For all the parents with kids starting school I just want to say congratulations. You made it through another summer without killing your children!! I am proud of you all!!
There’s gotta be a better use for the part of my brain that remembers every word to “Baby Got Back.”
I`m hoping to avoid a situation where I have to dance to save my own life.
I put on real clothes today. What more do you want from me?
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.