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Woke up with morning wood but she wouldn`t!
I want the job where you push scared skydivers off the plane.
My credit card company says I have an outstanding balance. I’m flattered.
I`m not the type of person you should put on speaker phone
So she asked me "Do these pants make my butt look big?" And I said, "Not at all dear .. its the fat that does that." So now I´m single again.
Starbucks announced guns are no longer allowed in their stores. Seems crazy banks didn`t think of this.
If it`s really the thought that counts, we`re ALL screwed. LOL ;)
My friends were alway so nice. They were like "of course you`re not fat! Come on, grab two chairs and sit with us" :)
Say no to drugs! Then again, if you`re talking to drugs, you`re probably already on drugs.
I was way too drunk last night to drive home. So I drove to another party.
There`s a sucker born every minute, but swallowers are harder to find.
My friend told me his girlfriend talks a lot in her sleep..Apparently "I know" was not the right answer...
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the adult version of hiding your report card from your parents.
Just once I`d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do...Without being dragged out being told, "Ma`am, you`re not the bride..."
If Milli Vanilli were to fall in the woods, would someone else make a sound?