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Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
I don`t hate you, but if you we`re drowning, I would dive in and handcuff a piano to your neck.
My greatest fear is standing on stage in front of millions while my Google search history is read aloud...
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
Music that is meant to be played at a reasonable volume is completely pointless.
Same sex marriage? Heck, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage
Roses are red, violets are blue. god made me pretty,what happened to you?
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
When your kids become teenagers, it`s important to have a dog so someone in the house is happy to see you.
If it`s tourist season why can`t we shoot them?
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
Unless your name is “Google”, stop acting as if you know everything!
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
We should be nicer to old people. When they walked uphill both ways in the snow they had to do it without an internet connection too.
If something`s worth doing, it`s worth doing rihgt.