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I`m actually a pretty normal person when you ignore the faint cries for help coming from my basement..
Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
I bet my road rage would be taken more seriously if I spoke German
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
Parenting tip: if you beat one child with the other child you can tell people they were just fighting. You`re welcome
If I was a cab driver I`d yell "ROAD TRIP" every time I got a passenger
Ever look in a mirror wondering about the stranger staring back & then realize it`s your neighbor`s window and they`re calling the cops?
Take me seriously at your own risk.
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
If running late counted as exercise I would be the healthiest motherf*cker you ever saw
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
Time to try some of this candy from the Easter "bunny"... Can`t trust anything you find laying in the yard these days.
Are oranges named orange because they’re orange or is orange called orange because oranges are orange?
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.