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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
I found $80 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy Nerf guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, Nerf guns and candy".
When my boss says, "women of a certain age" then looks at me, it`s ok to stab her with a letter opener, right?
If going to church has taught me anything, it is that Catholics hate unexpected pterodactyl impressions.
My fortune cookie read "End of roll. Replace"
You mean.. people run? On purpose? When nobody is chasing them?
Clearly, you are a person with an open mind. I can feel the breeze from here.
If I drop my food on a plane, and we change time zones at the same time, do I receive an additional hour to the 5 second rule?
The secret to a successful lemonade stand is vodka.
Really close to my perfect target weight. All I need now is one more stomach flu
Happy Birthday to someone I would donate some non-essential organs to, and the fact that a Facebook reminder told me it was your birthday doesn´t make it any less special. Plus I live so far away that your birthday requires almost no effort on my part. And sorry I tried to kill you all those times when we were
I still like going into Burger King and ordering a McWhopper and a McFry.
If you’re that person that makes microwave popcorn at work, nobody likes you.
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.