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Miley Cyrus could never live in the kind of cold we`re having here. Can you imagine all the poles her tounge would get stuck to?
People who don’t understand sarcasm are awesome.
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
I think you and I both know that you`re not facebook friends with me for the funny statuses.
I feel like dinner parties are secretly competitions about who watches the most news and documentaries
Most kids today wont understand the joy of playing with the telephone cord.
My wife was out of town, so I had to run the morning routine by myself today. I learned a lot. For example, apparently I have two kids.
Under no circumstances shall a call be made to another male after 2 a.m., unless its to get bailed out of jail.
When I`m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend.
I might wake up early and go running but I also might win the lottery the odds are about the same
love me or leave me,,HEY!!! where is everybody going?
If you didn`t want me looking in your bedroom than you never should have put your window at the same height as my ladder.
It`d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.
Having the worst day ever. All traffic lights I passed were green so I had to stop on the side of the road to check my Facebook like some caveman.
Boyfriend: Why do you watch the Food Network it doesn’t make your cooking any better? Girlfriend: Why do you watch porn?