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To those that manufacture and market tight, thin yoga pants to fit college girls; I love you man.
Does lying face down on this carpet make me look unsociable?
I’m going to start telling women that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
I saw a midget carrying a tv to his car today. I said "hey, would you like some help with that plasma?" He said "f*ck off asshole, it`s an IPad!"
Rubix cubes are EASY....when you`re color blind.
It`s like my bank account doesn`t understand me at all.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
It`s all sh*ts and giggles till somebody giggles and sh*ts
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
If people could read my mind, I’d get punched in the face a lot.
It’s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Instead of ‘gay friends’ can we say homiesexuals
I finally did it. I gave my cat a bath today. It really wasn`t that bad. She enjoyed it. I enjoyed it. Other than the fur sticking to the roof of my mouth, it went well.
Hard liquor because I don`t don`t have time or patience to sit around drinking 9 bottles of wine every day
I only use the outdoors to get to another indoors.