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The only way to open a pack of toilet paper is to fingerblast a hole through the plastic in one of the roll holes
I saw a guy today at Starbucks. He had no smartphone, tablet or laptop. He just sat there drinking his coffee. Like a psychopath.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the a$$holes asked me to turn it down.
the WORLDS shortest joke..... "2 women were sitting together quietly
My mind is exceptionally quiet.... I am suspicious that I am up to something I don`t want myself to know about.
The last time I got drunk I married Satan..I`m not doing either one again
Success is like pregnancy, everyone congratulates you but no one knows how many times you`ve been screwed to get there.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming for their lives like the passengers in the back of his truck
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
People ask me why I don`t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?
I say if you can`t come up with anything nice to say then post it on Facebook.
Last night I was walking the sexiest girl ever home until she turned around and saw me.
When parents on Facebook post about how they can`t believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he`d be held back!"
If you’ve been naughty… go to your room. If you want to be naughty… go to mine.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.