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If someone is uncomfortable watching you masturbate they; A. Have intimacy issues B. Are frigid C. Should sit somewhere else on the bus
When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.
Whenever I`m on the phone with someone I like to scream "WAIT DON`T HANG UP" right as they`re hanging up & then not answer when they call back.
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
But in my most troublesome times, I looked down and saw only one set of footprints. I asked the Lord why, and He replied that sand people ride single file to hide their numbers.
Not sure what to do with all the daylight we are saving.
You can run from your problems. Unless your problem is a cheetah.
If I get an e-mail from you that says "Sent from my Blackberry" at the bottom, please understand that I`m not going to respond. I can only assume that you sent it in 2006.
Cop cars should play the jaws theme song
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
If the zombie apocalypse happened in Vegas…would it “stay in Vegas”?
I feel like I`ve passed my "Best If Used By date."
I hate when I wake up in a strange house, & have to go outside to look at a license plate to figure out what state I`m in.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want freshly grated parmesan.
I’m pretty sure the whole “ladies first” thing was created by a guy just to check out girls butt’s.