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French people give me the crepes.
Sign: "No alcohol past this point." Translation: Bet you can`t chug this entire beer, right now.
If I was a Jedi there is a 100% chance that I would use the Force inappropriately.
Holy sh!t! I just opened a bag of cheddar and sour cream Ruffles and one of the chips was plain. This is a sign, man. God is going to smite all of us f*ckers with his wrath and send us to all to burn in the eternal flames of... Sorry. Just one side of the chip was plain. Carry on.
"The truth shall set you free"....unless you are in court. Then you should probably shut the f*ck up.
My bank is the worst. They`re charging me money for not having enough money in my account. Apparently, I can`t even afford to be broke.
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
Give up, itsy-bitsy spider. It wasn`t meant to be.
Don’t let anyone tell you how to live your life! Unless you’re an idiot. In that case, please listen carefully.
Mirrors don`t lie. Lucky for you, they can`t laugh either.
My new dating profile just says "I`m tired of masturbating."
I don`t drink to forget my problems. I drink because I survived them!
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
Apparently telling the airline stewardess that airplane food is "da bomb dat hijacked my tastebuds" is not considered a compliment......