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I`m allergic to stupidity ... which is why I break out in to sarcasm.
There are 2 types of people that annoy me: Drunk people, when I`m sober. Sober people, when I`m drunk.
Does it count as saving someone`s life if you just refrain from killing them?
I wonder what my dog has named me?
I`m late on the give thanks every day in November thing... so let me catch up. Days 1-22. I`m thankful for boobs
That moment when you run into a spider web and suddenly become a karate master.
My favorite part of country music is the part where I change the station.
Iām not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
I can see exactly 6 years into the future. I have 2020 vision.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth ā¦ and drink all the vodka inside ā¦ It seems to help
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
Q: What is the best thing God ever created? A: The vagina. Q: What was the worst thing God ever did? A: Put women in charge of them.
This day needs more yesterday.
When 12 year old girls call each other honey and sweet heart...
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.