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Cashiers are always checking me out.
Computer froze? Just press all the keys.
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
When I was a kid, I used to sing, `A, B, C,D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K, ELEMENO, P`
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
You are intriguing. You require further stalking, sorry I mean investigation.
New College Admissions Test ______ not getting into this college: A. Your B. Ur C. You`re D. U`re
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
Best thing = Waking up, looking in your refrigerator and seeing a pizza box.
There`s a warning light on my dashboard of a vague exclamation point. It`s like when my girlfriend was mad at me and she wouldn`t say why.
Who`s more foolish, a fool or the person who takes a fool`s advice?
Homes are 750 square feet larger today than they were 30 years ago. Unfortunately, so are most Americans.
Considering that dogs pee to mark territory, they probably think humans are constantly battling over who gets to claim the toilet.
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.