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Sometimes I say stuff without even meaning to be funny and I`m like "Man, my subconsicious is hilarious!"
off to bed...evil schemes don`t dream themselves up.
I made Creme Brulee today. More food should require the use of a blow torch.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
Get real. No one’s going to form a single line if the building’s on FIRE.
I have an alcohol problem, in that I can`t afford any.
As I slide down this bannister we call life, you, and you alone, are the splinter in my ass
If I can see you, you`re invading my personal space.
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
It`s a humbling moment when you realize your dog or cat has actually trained you to do something.
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
For some reason I`m an extremely secretive person. Don`t ask me why
Where is the button to restart summer?
3 bottles of bleach: $15.00. One rope, 3 rolls of duct tape, and a shovel: $35.00. 3 boxes of trash bags: $10.00. The look on the cashier`s face: Priceless!:D