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My fantasy is having two women at once...One Cooking, One Cleaning.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I`m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
Tonight I plan on drinking until I`m someone else`s problem
I just want to find someone who will love me for exactly who I am pretending to be.
The problem is I have just enough money to get into trouble but not enough to make bail.
The guy below me obviously has never seen R2-D2.
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
I told my family that I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle…So, they got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my wine.
I am not sure why a guy getting trapped in a vagina sculpture is big news...men have been trapped by vaginas for many years.
Pro tip for picking up girls - keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Christmas is truly a magical time. It`s made all my money disappear!
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
I would want to change my name to `Nobody` on Facebook. So when someone updates something stupid it says `Nobody likes this`