Daily Silly Status

Who knew adulthood would involve so much Advil?

My life is a movie. One of those movies where most of the people start leaving right in the middle of it.

When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”. Problem solved.

I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it

Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™

I don`t understand fat homeless people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?

On the 12th day of Christmas my FB gave to me- 12 dudes I`m blocking, 11 friends just watching, 10 corny topics, 9 busted Barbies, 8 friends complaining, 7 stalkers stalking, 6 party invites, fiiiivvvvee drama queeeennss, 4 game requests, 3 photo tags, 2 friends a-pokin and a creep who wont stop Inboxing meee... ;)

If I would have known there would be a Facebook, I would have written “eff off forever” instead of “keep in touch” in your yearbook.

National no bra day wasn`t as successful as the creators had hoped. due to sagging attendants and lack of support.

“Can we talk tomorrow?” is my way of saying “I’ll try to do a better job of avoiding you tomorrow?”

Ladies and Gentleman, I’ve traveled a long way, crossed many bridges, fought my way through countless obstacles, all to bring you this one sad truth about life. There’s never enough beer.

A naughty thought is a terrible thing to waste

It`s the weekend!!! I haven`t been this excited since my phone got stuck on vibrate.

Ignoring things don`t make them go away, it makes them drunk dial you.

Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.