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¦It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside.
I always carry a lighter in case I end up at an impromptu concert...or need to set someone`s house on fire. Either way, I`m prepared.
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
Never confuse the words "venom" and "poison". Venom is injected into blood by an animal. Poison is injected into food by a woman.
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
Starting to believe I`m trouble
Whenever you`re feeling really bad about yourself just remember, there`s people that pay money to exercise.
When I`m happy, I drink and when I drink, I`m happy. Win/Win!!
I started studying Tai Chi, so I wouldn`t recommend getting in a slow-motion fight with me...
Keep reaching for the stars but please get a better deodorant.
When I`m all out of alcohol...haha! Just kidding! I`d never let that scenario become a reality.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it`s ok to bite an opponent.