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What is it about paper towels that makes me always want to use more than one?
Sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
Car horns were invented 1% for safety and 99% because people get pissed off sometimes and need to let a mofo know.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
my ex-girlfriend is a famous porn star. But would she be pissed if she found out.
I wish I drove a Volkswagen bug. It would be cool to know that every time I drove by a school bus, some kid was getting punched.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free...
Just remember, every day is a gift from God. Well except for Monday.. Satan slips that one in. He’s a sneaky bastard.
Every time someone says "Have a nice day!", I yell "DON`T F**KING TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.
After Monday and Tuesday... even the week says WTF!
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.
Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we`re getting somewhere.