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I watched Americas Got Talent for 15 minutes and I beg to differ.
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
For the record when I was a kid I never wanted to be an adult.
Guys...dont mess up and buy her the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner for Valentines Day this year. Spend a little extra for a really good one ... Just tring to help.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
It`s really crazy that you don`t hear a round of applause every time you order a salad.
If there`s no gravity underwater, why do mermaids need those seashell bra`s?
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
Over half the contacts in my phone are named “Do Not Answer”
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
When I get in an elevator, before I press a button I look at everyone inside and say “Are you ready to take this sh!t to a whole new level?”
Walmart has their new Savings Catcher app... I`m thinking savings isn`t the only thing you will catch ...
Self checkout must have been invented by a guy who had to buy tampons.