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Don`t be afraid to laugh at yourself you could be missing out on the joke of the century.
Ever had sex while camping!? It`s intents!
Dear Santa: My sister is the "naughty" one ... trust me.
Next time you are sad remember you can make a cheeseburger with donuts as the bun. Still sad? Add Sprinkles
Just got a new phone. Pretty pissed all my contacts were not lost.
I like playing with my dog when I`m high. Because I don`t have one when I`m sober.
I eat tacos over a tortilla so that way when stuff falls out Boom another taco.
Fun: text a friend "Are you alone right now?" They go "Yes." Then u text back LOL
You’ll never be as young as you are now.
If you have to guess what a commercial is selling, it`s always perfume.
You know someone has a drinking problem when they go to the bar at 5pm, you know you have a drinking problem when you`re already there.
With all the botched executions lately, it has been suggested that we bring back the guillotine. But if we do that I`m sure heads will roll.
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
The only b word you should call a woman is beautiful. B!tches love to be called beautiful.
"Iowa man arrested after fight over peanut butter and jelly sandwiches" - I`m just gonna assume this is 1 of you guys