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Netflix doesn’t care if u showered or not
Someone needs to take a chain saw to your family tree.
My favorite thing about marriage is sharing a house with the person most likely to murder me.
When I was a kid and was going to "get it" that was bad. Now I`m an adult and I`m going to "get it" :)
I remember when vodka was just vodka flavored ...
Hey! Wanna make $$$$$$ fast? Just follow my simple instructions. 1:Hold down the Shift key 2:Press the number 4 six times. It’s that easy.
It`s funny how you think it`s your cat leaving all those dead birds on your doorstep.
Synonym: Word used in place of the one you can`t spell.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
I got kicked out of the public swimming pool today. Apparently the `Breast Stroke` wasn`t what I thought it was.
Unless you fell off the treadmill and smashed your face, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
was going to argue with you...but then I remembered I really didn`t care
I`m making a list of regrets. Just to be sure I`m accurate, how do you spell your name again?
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I have two words for this week. BEER ME!!!