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Meanwhile, Somewhere farther down on your timeline, your aunt just posted the "Footprints" poem on your wall again.
At what point does the dentist stop giving you toothbrushes? Dude, I’m forty. I have one.
I go to McDonald`s once a month just to replenish the napkin stash in my car
If the sprayer in the sink can`t get it off and the dishwasher can`t get it off then I assume it`s just meant to be a part of the pan.
I`m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
This morning, I was beaten up by a busty woman in an elevator. I was staring at her boobs when she said, “Would you please press 1?” So I did. I don’t remember much afterwards.
I have difficulty sleeping at night because I lay awake obsessing over life`s mysteries, like how exactly does paper beat rock.
25% of of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. The other 75% are running around untreated.
I`m not antisocial. I`m pro leave-me-the-hell-alone.
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
Nice try blocked number, but I don`t even answer my phone when I know who`s calling.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
I`m ok with women faking it in bed. I faked everything to get her there.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.