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Whoever determined that a 1-inch candy bar should be called “fun sized” should really re-evaluate their standards for entertainment.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I`m like HOLY CRAP I`M OUTSIDE.
Texting totally changes your perception of how long stoplights are.
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
Maybe there`s no such thing as automatic doors, just gentlemen ninjas.
I saw a lady with twins babies. One had a shirt that said ‘Copy’ the other ‘Paste’. That made my day.
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
I`ve said it before and I`ll say it again: it before
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn`t act the way he wanted.
Life hack: You can park wherever you want if you put your hazard lights on and take your tire off.
Sometimes, I don`t know how I`m going to get through the day. Then I remember: I have beers waiting for me at home. I can do this for them
Have you ever listened to somebody speak and wonder who ties their shoelaces for them?
From now on when I accept a friend request I`ll just write on their wall: You belong to me now.
If only losing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper, or even my mind ... I`d be SO skinny!
I have an inferiority complex,,,,,, but it isn`t a very good one.