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The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
I`m an outdoorsy kind of guy, I like to drink beer outdoors
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
I DON`T UNDERSTAND IT! WHY THE F*CK WOULD SOMEBODY BREAK INTO A HOUSE JUST TO STEAL A REMOTE CON - Never mind, I found it.
I`m fat, but I blame my dog for not exercising me enough.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
( )( ) =( `-` )= <( . )> ("`)("`) bunny!!
The best nights are those when it never crosses your mind to update your Facebook status.
At what point will this meal make me happy, Ronald?
My new voicemail: “If you have reached this recording, please hang up and text me.”
If you slept with my husband I`d be like "OMG how much do I owe you?"
Every Girls Night Out has at least one crier.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they`re 18.