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People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
I never got the expression "complete idiot". Is there an Incomplete version?
"You have the right to remain silent so as not to incriminate yourself" -- 5th Amendment, understood by nobody on Facebook.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
RIGHT NOW YOU HAVE: 3 fingers behind your phone, your pinky tucked under for support and your scrolling with your thumb! LIKE if I’m right!
Judging by the size of these chicken fingers, that chicken had to be somewhere between 7` to 10` tall.
Is it yoga if you wear sweatpants all day and then hunch over the garbage can as you eat a burrito?
Have you ever realized that sleeping is just your eyes staring at your eyelids all night long?
I don`t care if you wear footie pj`s or sleep with a Snuggie. If you swish Listerine in your mouth for the full 30 seconds, you are BADA$$.
You ever notice “q”, “p”, “b” and “d” is the same letter but with a different angle.
Never trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.