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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
Your lights are on but I see someone’s been playing with your dimmer switch.
Double-Stuffed Oreos should just be called Oreos, and regular Oreos should be called Diet Oreos.
If I say “it’s a great day to be alive,” it’s because those are literally my only plans.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my foot while laying on the sofa so I guess today is leg day.
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
A hot woman telling me about her boyfriend is like setting money on fire in front of a homeless person.
Give me a fish & I`ll cook you dinner. Teach me to fish & I`ll just be sitting there in the boat with you getting drunk.
The toughest thing in business is minding your own.
If I had a nickel for every time I`ve misplaced my keys, there`d be a jarful of money I would also have to look for
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I`ll be back in five minutes. If I`m not, read this again :D
There is no such things as ghosts. I know, I asked Santa Claus
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.