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I swear that logging in to Facebook has become the equivalent of opening the fridge door and staring inside even though you`re not hungry.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
My neighbors listen to some excellent music. Whether they like it or not.
Rum balls, rum cake, rum spiked eggnog, rum in fruitcakes...you know, anymore, there`s more of the Captain than of Christ in Christmas...
That annoying feeling when you finally downloaded the movie you wanted to watch and BOOM!... It`s in French. #F**kYouFrance
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you`re ignorant and make bad decisions.
I`m certain that the reason for Wasps, Hornets, and Yellowjackets was to remind grown men that they can still scream like a little girl.
Found a baby snake in my backyard while mowing. Long story short, I don`t have to mow anymore since my yard is on fire.
Be careful when you follow the masses. Sometimes the “M” is silent.
According to my fitness app, I ate a 6 mile fruit roll-up.
Hey guys with the super loud mufflers on their cars. I used to put a baseball card in my bicycle wheel spokes. I was 12.
My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember all the things I was suppose to do.
I can understand your anger at me, but what could you possibly have against the horse I rode in on?
People who say "I hate to bother you" need to learn to hate it a little bit more.
Thanksgiving is a great time to test the boundaries of how drunk you can get before your family members notice.