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I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
Imagine Ferris Bueller trying so hard not to Instagram his whole day off.
Everytime I find the key to happiness, somebody changes the lock.
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
I really would like to take a yoga class. But I really can`t trust my farts.
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the "For External Use Only" warning labels.
Sarcasm: just one of the many services I offer ;)
If its the thought that counts, then I`ve banged so many hot chicks.
Didn`t leave home today. It was too peopley out there.
Whenever I delete an App on my iPhone, The shaking icons make me feel like they`re all panicked over who`s getting deleted.
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
1st woman on the Moon.. Houston we have a problem What? Never mind What`s the problem? Nothing Please tell us? You know what the problem is.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
Currently training for when they inevitably make drinking an Olympic sport.