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Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
My credit rating is so bad I got turned down for a magazine subscription.
I’m probably single because I forgot to forward those chain messages from 2008.
I don`t have friends, I have acquaintances and parasites.
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding… that the other person is a complete idiot!
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
Oh, you have a brand new boyfriend? Please tell me more about how you think he`s `the one`.
There`s no way to gracefully remove a jacket while wearing a seatbelt...
I relate to Game of Thrones because much like my own life, I have no idea what`s going on and there`s a lot of wine drinking.
I`m sorry, we can`t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
Congratulations on becoming a homeowner! From now on, every noise you hear will cost you money.
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Played Naked Twister last night and man, did it get RAUNCHY!....I can`t imagine what it would be like with other people.