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If your problem can’t be solved by me saying “damn” and nodding a lot, then you shouldn’t come to me for help.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
A new study has found that women with larger butts live longer than men who mention it.
I just got the results of my IQ test. It came back negative.
Dear college students, Sorry about your GPA. - Netflix
Life is full of disappointments, I`ll just add you to the list.
Aren`t we forgetting the true meaning of Christmas? You know...The birth of Santa
My wife said I can definitely have a man cave, if that`s what I want to start calling the hall closet.
It`s amazing how many people are diagnosed with a disease as soon as there`s a pill available for it.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your room. Those bastards live forever.
This is bullshit. It`s like the cops don`t even know that the speed limit is different when you`re listening to AC/DC.
Step 1: remove food from packaging Step 2: dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time
"Oh my god, you`ve gotten so fat! Want me to make you something to eat?" - my mom
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.