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I don’t have an attitude problem… You have a problem with my attitude… That’s your problem, not mine.
The naughty me makes the nice me giggle.
Turning your signal light on once you`ve already changed lanes is just about as useful as offering to help the old lady across the street AFTER she`s already been hit by a school bus full of screaming children. Just sayin`
It`s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
The joy of finding out that your boss is going on a holiday is way greater than you yourself going on one
Sometimes, in life, all you really need is a lot of money.
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
I took a pic of my self a few days ago. Now I`m playing with it. Yeah...I`m playing with my selfie.
PRO TIP: If you see a woman crying, never ask if its because of her hair.
Life`s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
This is probably the best idea I`ve had yet! -me, right before I do something stupid
My relationship status? Last night, in the elevator, I told a girl she had nice shoelaces.
In my experience, temporary insanity can last a long time.
That akward moment you try and deep throat a banana and get caught ... and your a dude.
Tonight I’m trying to get to that happy place right between don’t know my own name and head in the toilet.