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Why do people who know the least know it the loudest?
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
I’m still waiting for the episode of Storage Wars where there’s a homeless guy living in the unit.
Ex Girlfriend: Omg! I had a dream about you last night!! Ex Boyfriend: Aww thats so sweet, what happend? Ex Girlfriend: U died :)
Go ahead caller 9!!
I hate when someone has a loud conversation on their cell phone and then gives me dirty looks for jotting down everything they say.
If you need me I`ll always be stuck behind the person who doesn`t know how to use the CVS self-checkout aisle.
I just bought all six seasons of Hoarders on DVD
Holy sh*t! Did you guys know Facebook has a "sign out" button?
People keep mistaking my "wow"s for compliments.
"LSD causes users to lose weight" Obviously. You can`t eat when a dragon is guarding the fridge.
The person before me got $0.57 worth of gas. My day doesn`t seem so bad now.
New parent: I can`t believe how awesome my baby is. 10 years later: Wow, they sure do grow up fast...10 years later: Seriously, get the f*ck out of my house!!
I always put a little umbrella in my drink so it doesn`t dilute in the shower.
We welcome the Christmas season at my house by putting out more towels that I am not allowed to touch