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It`s getting warm out. I can finally get back to smacking people and blaming it on mosquitos!
SPOILER ALERT: Rice cakes do not contain any actual cake.
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
I`m so broke, if somebody tried to rob me right now, they would just be practicing.
Give a man a gun he can rob a bank. Give a man a bank and he can rob everybody
That awkward moment when you gently toss your phone on the bed and it bounces off 3 walls, breaks 2 lamps and kills a cat...
Always thought the 4 words I never wanted to hear from my wife was "I want a divorce". Turns out its actually, "What is your password".
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
My favorite drinking game is drinking.
This patience thing takes forever.
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
I am having one of those days where my middle finger answers every question.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
Hey, car designers, you have kids, right? How is "limo window partition" between the front and back seat not an option yet?