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Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
If I could go back in time I would put cheese on a lot more things.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
Wife: You always blame other people for your problems. Me: Yeah, and whose fault is that?
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
I`m home by myself this evening. My wife is out at Kohl`s buying another load of laundry.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
If life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.
NEWS FLASH: Man arrested for having sex with a tree.....Police confirm he had wood!!!
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
I shurvivfed the dentisht wivout any notishable shide affecshss.
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
How many “friend-zoned” guys does it take to change a light bulb? None they’ll just compliment it and get pissed when it won’t screw.
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
I use sarcasm because flat out telling you you’re a moron is considered inappropriate and is frowned upon. And I was raised better than that.