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Naps are tricky because you either wake up refreshed and relaxed or you have a headache, dry throat, and are unaware of what year you`re in.
We´re responsible for most of what happens to us, the rest is probably Voodoo.
I feel like a piece of corn in the digestive tract of life ~ I`m going through a lot of crap but I`m sure I`ll come out whole.
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
Four words that I never want to hear: we`re out of beer
Let me drink about it and get back to you.
I`m pretty sure country music singers are all just the same guy wearing different hats.
I left a note in the break room at work saying I had found five bucks. I hadn`t found any money, but it was worth five dollars to learn which of my co-workers is a lying douchebag.
If a woman asks if you "notice anything new" tell her "I do, your beauty surprises me every day." Then continue thinking about velociraptors
You know you’re working class when your TV is bigger than your book case.
When you were little, “I’m going to tell your mom” was the scariest sentence ever.
What happens in Vegas never happens to me
All fortune cookies should just read, "You will have diarrhea for the next 24 hours.
Having a 14 year old has made me realize why some species eat their young.
Some days are better than others. And those days always involve alcohol.