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I have a brilliant idea once every seven beers.
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
Lots of us suffer in silence. You should try it.
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
My resolution for the New Year is to find more situations where it`s acceptable to wear a bathrobe out in public
I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It just makes more work for me.
Day 8. You should be thankful that I`m medicated
Roses are Red Violets are Blue, If I had a brick, I`d throw it at you.
Girls are like parking spots all the good ones are taken and the rest are to far away
In reference to why men can sleep with lots a women and it’s fine, but women can’t sleep with lots of men or else they’re whores. “If a key opens a lot of locks, it’s a master key. But if a lock is opened by a lot of different keys, it’s just a sh!tty lock.”
Anybody wanna go halfsies on an orgasm?
Sometimes, I send game request just to piss people off :)
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying.
i wasnt that drunk * "bro, you destroyed my mothers garden while screaming F*CK FARMVILLE!"*
Occasionally, I like to take a look through my old status updates and smile at my sparkling wit.