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I can alwasy tell when movies do not use real dinosaurs
The only Spanish phrase you need to learn is, "I know you guys are talkin sh*t about me."
In my head I sound like the Queen of England bitches!
Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
Whenever someone tries to get too friendly with me, I like to call them by the wrong name to remind them of where we stand.
OMG ... I hate waiting in lines ... I wish this woman would hurry up and pick a suspect.
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school] "It doesn`t matter if its a dog, it`s still called a cat scan"
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
I leave notes on people’s windshields telling them I smashed their car and did an amazing job fixing it.
You can learn a lot about a woman by watching her load a gun.
All shoes are technically buy one get one free.
If you`re gonna label the silica gel "do not eat", maybe you should label everything in the box. I almost ate a shoe before someone stopped me
that strange moment when you get in the van and theres no candy...-Drew Balthaser
I think my smart phone is making fun of me behind my back.