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Never make an arm wrestle bet with a guy who has been single for longer than 6 months.
Back in my day, we didn’t have Instagram. We had to bore people in person with photo albums.
I ignored your Facebook friend request because there isn`t a "Hell no!" button.
Should vegetarians eat animal crackers? ;)
You know that you have eaten way too much junk food when you start actually craving something healthy.
I`m going to go take a hot shower, it`s like a normal shower but with me in it
My math is never so quick or exact as when I see an old flame with a child.
We look like we are being productive, but really, we are just talking sh!t about co-workers and how drunk we got last weekend.
If there is enough room to spell `bootylicious` on the back of your shorts...it probably isn`t
Remember when waking up early on Saturday mornings involved cartoons and not untagging photos on Facebook?
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
They should just go ahead and put a volume setting on my TV that says "Eating Doritos".
I do yoga to relieve stress. Just kidding. I drink wine in yoga pants.
Remember, time is more powerful than You!!! One tree makes a million matchsticks......But when the time comes........Only 1 match stick is needed to burn a million trees......
At least a stalker is there for you.