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Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
Shouldn`t there have been one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
I retired from being my brothers keeper when I realised that I was letting in goals that wouldn`t have scored if his post was empty
All this time I thought PTA stood for Parents to Avoid
If I could trade places with anyone for a day it would have to be on the day I die. I wouldn`t want to be me on that day.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
is a mystery you´ll never solve
I think eating is my kind of sport.
Single women come home, see what`s in the fridge and go to bed...while married women come home see what`s in the bed and go to the fridge.
Boobs are to men what light bulbs are to moths.
Making good decisions doesn’t really go with my outfit.
RIP to my hair dryer. It was the only thing to blow me for the last 10 years and never complain.
I don`t like morning people ... Or mornings ... Or people.
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?