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"No comment" - said no woman, ever
I love the people in parking lots with "free kittens" signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn`t be oppressed.
If you still pay for porn I just want you to know I have a butter churner and an abacus for sale.
If you ever disappeared while hiking, I’d remain with the search party at least until it started raining.
My moral in life is simple. You treat me good and I`ll treat you better.
Its amazing how many people respond to "Hey Dumba$$!"
Laughter is not the best medicine. Laughter with large amounts of alcohol & wild crazy monkey sex - now that`s the best medicine.
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
Would I be in a porno for a million dollars? It depends. What kind of porn? Will my mom see it? Do I have to pay the million all at once?
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
For my next trick, I’ll turn this 12 pack of beer into drunk dialing/texting.
I just got a piece of mail that says "open immediately" but I`m gonna wait a few minutes.
I don’t understand why drunk me always seems to have more money than sober me.
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
Plan to be spontaneous - tomorrow.