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We still don`t know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Facebook. So sadly, this will be my last joke….. in which I talk about having a wife.
I found a bottle of vodka under my bed, skittles under my pillow, & boxes of noodles in my closet. I`m like a fcuking alcoholic squirrel.
I thought I was having deja vu, but it turns out I do the exact same things every day.
If u cant live without me, why aren`t you dead yet.
when humans are in love they get butterflys...dose that mean when butterflys are in love they get humans!! :)
Slowly, Waldo`s wife and Mr. Sandiego started putting the pieces together.
Sorry ladies, but I already got my eyes on a woman who`s not interested.
Keep the dream alive: Hit the snooze button.
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I`m 82.
I`ve finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.
Saw A bumper sticker that said "Fat People Are Harder To Kidnap" not sure if he was a proud fat man or a disgruntled kidnapper though.
I used to think I was a man of vision. Now i`m pretty sure they`re hallucinations.
"Be yourself" is about the worst advice you can give some people.