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If you lose your shoe at the end of the night, you’re not Cinderella. You’re probably just drunk.
The moment you stop giving a damn is the moment things get easier and better.
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
As I said before, I never repeat myself.
You can`t make me believe there`s a shortage of jobs in this country when there are 23 cash registers at WalMart and only 3 cashiers.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
Coworker drank the last of the coffee and now he`s going to the clinic for a `work related` injury.
I used to be a kleptomaniac but now I take something for it.
I don’t use Siri because I have to deal with enough women who have no personality and know everything.
Is it just me or do mirrors look really sexy?
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
That urge you get to write "No one gives a sh!t" on someone`s status..
You have no idea how funny I am to me.
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
funny status idea: a funny and popular one