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I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
I did 26 situps this morning. It’s not a lot, but then again, how many times can someone snooze an alarm clock ?
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
With the right person, you can talk about absolutely nothing for hours & feel like you spoke about everything.
"I guess you`re right." - No one on the internet ever
The awkward moment when you’re that one friend who always gives relationship advice but is still single.
How about a ceiling fan with brakes so I don`t have to stand there for 10 seconds wondering if I actually turned it off.
Anyone else sit on the toilet and play with their phone until you realized you have been finished 10 minutes ago?
Don`t get me wrong, this Chinese take-out is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe a chicken fried this rice
You post all of your drama on Facebook. Then get upset when people judge you? You must be a special kind of stupid.
Picking up someone at a bar when you`re drunk, is like going to the grocery store hungry... You end up taking home crap you didn`t want
Scared the mailman today by going to the door completely naked. Not sure what scared him more, my naked body or that I knew where he lived.
And Jesus said, those footprints on the beach where two sets become one, that`s where I unfollowed you.
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
Remember....... Its not drinking alone if you`re on Facebook ;)