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Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
Those who stir the sh!t pot should have to lick the spoon.
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
I am used but in good condition.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated...go figure.
Anyone want to be fake engaged for two hours so we can eat cake samples?
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I`m great at pole dancing.
“How are feeling today?” is a polite reminder that you were a mess the night before.
Always look your best, cause you never know when your family is going to surprise you with an intervention.
I ate the whole box of Slim Fast bars. So excited about how skinny I`ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the "tasty" box.