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I know it’s 3 meals a day, but how many should I eat at night?
I always take a number at the deli, and I`ve been keeping them.... Eventually I`ll have all the numbers and it will always be my turn.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
I am tired of men complaining about women complaining about men complaining about women
Guys: Bet a female friend that she can’t touch her bellybutton with both elbows. Enjoy the view.
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
I`m working out my budget and, provided I don`t live past Tuesday, I can retire relatively comfortably!!!
I`m not lazy. I`m just highly motivated to not do anything.
Sometimes I like to lie in bed, stare at the ceiling and think what it would be like to stare at other ceilings.
I saw a comedian one time who did nothing but make geography puns. talk abbottabad act.
On one issue, at least, men and women agree: they both distrust women.
You have 600 friends on Facebook but you have to take your own picture of yourself for your profile photo.
Just saw a coyote next to the highway... I hope this tunnel ahead isn`t just painted on.
United Airlines was just voted number one in Chinese takeout!
I didn`t see anyone important today, so I`ll probably wear these same clothes tomorrow.