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I’ve come to the realization that the trash goes out more than I do.
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
One man`s girlfriend is another man`s password.
Dracula had impeccable hair for a guy who couldn’t see himself in a mirror.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
If you see a road sign that says "Survey Crew Ahead" they actually are not looking for your opinions ... I know that now.
A mosquito landed on my balls... Hardest decision of my life.
Guy- What`s your sign? Me- Stop
Does running away from your problems count as exercising? If it is, then I`m one hell of a fitness freak
Why do single women take dating advice from other single women? That`s like Stevie Wonder giving driving directions to Ray Charles.
You know you can`t say "happiness" without saying "p*nis"
DAAAAY-OH! DAAaay-oh! Monday come and me wanna go home.
The best part about growing old with you is that I`ll always be the younger one.