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My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet... Oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.
If you believe in reincarnation then your tombstone should say “b.r.b” instead of “r.i.p”.
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don`t have mixed tapes anymore?
May your life be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
You being crazy doesn`t bother me. It`s you being crazier than me...That makes me freakin` jealous.
Just once I want my boss to assume I`m tired in the morning because I fight crime all night, not because of all the booze I drank.
My favorite thing around the holidays is being put into a group message with 200 people reply "Who`s This"
I just read that ciggarettes cause rectal cancer, I should me fine, I was going to put them in my mouth anyway..
I`m in no shape to exercise patience!
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat`s just being dramatic.
Being a woman should count as a pre-existing mental condition.
That awkward moment when you can’t tell if it’s a Halloween costume or their regular clothes…
Some people come into your life as blessings, others come into your life as lessons.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.