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Its weird that goldfish will eat other goldfish but wont eat goldfish crackers. Life sure is complicated sometimes.
That amazing moment when you find money in your clothes that you forgot was there.
If a woman shaves her legs for you, at least every other day, in the Winter time, it`s Love.
Do you think that the guy who invented the vibrator heard voices saying, "if you build it they will come"?
If I died and went straight to hell, it would take me a week to realize I wasn`t at work anymore.
Had a blast doing my Black Friday tradition!!!! I slept!
Why does this membership application to the YMCA not have "The Village People" as an option for "How did you hear about us?"
The best part of time travel will be sleeping until noon and making it to work on time at 8am.
Dogs love you even if you’re ugly.
If I`ve learned anything from these ghost hunter shows, it’s that everyone speaks English after they die.
This recliner and I go way back.
She texted me: "your adorable." I replied: "no, YOU`RE adorable." Now she likes me, but all I did was point out her typo.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since `pro` is the opposite of `con` we should call it prosti..... oh wait.