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Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I`m still putting butter on them!!
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
is admitting to pushing Humpty Dumpty, he had it coming!!
I read an article the other day that said, "if you drink every day you are an alcoholic." Thank god I only drink every night
When I`m bored I like to call in sick to places I don`t work for. I`m getting written up at Kohls.
People go to the bar hoping for two things ... to get hammered or to get nailed.
If everybody was consistently as determined as they are when they carry all groceries in one trip, this world would be in a better place.
I hope I can still remember the dance to Thriller when I become a Zombie.
Half the time spent on Facebook is likely spent by creeping people and /or staring at the screen waiting for something interesting to happen.
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
I always wanted to buy a Parrot and teach it to say, "Help, they`ve turned me into a parrot!"
I just wanna find a girl who loves me for my money. That way I wouldn`t feel bad for loving her for her body.
If nobody comes from the future to stop you, how bad can the decision really be?