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Things are finally looking up for me. This Victoria`s Secret catalog just told me this is going to be "your sexiest year ever."
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles?
My favorite exercise is a cross between a lunge and a crunch. It’s called Lunch.
Life is better when you can share it with a friend that has the same sick, twisted personality as yourself.
Todays Relationships: You can touch each other but not each others phones.
It`s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you`ve reached your destination.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they`d leave that one on too.
I walked into SeaWorld with a fishing pole once. I gotta tell ya, those security guards can really run.
Apparently, 4 people die every year trying to put their pants on... - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants
I`ve just invented an invisibility cloak; anything under it is rendered completely invisible. I`m still working out the kinks; you can still see the cloak itself
Every night before bed I do this cute little thing where I stare at the Internet for 6.5 hours
I`m at my most badass when I`m popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
This strip mall certainly is misleading And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.