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Age sure does change your perspective. Lots of things I hated when I was a kid I love now... like having nothing to do, going to bed early, watching the news, spankings.... stuff like that.
Telling someone they shouldn`t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they shouldn`t be happy because others have it better.
I’ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.
I love water. Especially when it`s frozen and surrounded by vodka.
The one thing you never wanna hear when your father catches you watching porn is... "Scoot over."
*Spoiler Alert*--- Siamese cats are just one cat ... not two cats in one.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
There may be two sides to every story, but you’re still a douche in both of them.
If you tell me you`re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Morning workout: Turn on treadmill. Untangle headphones for 14 minutes. Get frustrated, leave and eat doughnuts.
Every member of my family is polite & courteous which I why our pantry has 17 boxes of cookies that contain exactly one remaining cookie
My Superpower is eating 5 times the "suggested serving" size.
I`m gonna just take a quick nap before I go to bed.
I scream. You scream. The police come ... It`s awkward ;)
I have noticed that everyone who is for abortion, has already been born.