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Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
The cashier at the dollar store told me to have a good day. Like my purchase of shelf liner suggested any other plan.
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I`d be like "Sit your translucent a$$ down, I have a lot of questions!"
The iPad Air is named after what`s left in your bank account when you buy one.
Because of tanning beds, 1000 years from now archaeologists will think we used to fry people as punishment.
I get more excited seeing my luggage on a baggage carousel than I do seeing a person I know.
Just think of me as the guy next door. With a telescope.
I got in the shower with my slippers still on this morning. Is this the start of dementia or the continuum of stupidity I wonder?
I wonder what its like to fart in zero gravity. Does it like...propel you forward? These are things people need to know NASA
If you work on a farm and your job is to take care of chickens, you are a chicken tender.
I am who I am, your approval is not needed.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
If you read my entire Facebook timeline from the beginning, you can witness my descent into madness
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2