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It`s impossible to look cool while holding onto a leash attached to a dog who is taking a crap.
Making a woman laugh is one of the keys to winning her heart, unless she’s laughing at your junk.
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy
I’m not stupid. I’m just too lazy to show how smart I am.
Putting your finger on someone`s lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic. But the cop didn`t think so.
I tell people that the secret ingredient in my cookies is “love,” but it’s actually “floor”
I told everybody at work that I`ve got 18 cats just to make sure none of them ever want to come over for anything.
If a Donkey and Zebra ever mate they`d have to call the offspring a Zonkey because Debra is already taken.
The guys at Home Depot must take classes to know exactly what I meant by "the little thing next to that one piece with the round thing."
At times I wish I had a clone, but then I realize, I could never live with that a$$hole.
am I the only one who would beat the sh!t out of someone for wearing a "forever lazy" to a tailgate?
"I need to talk to you” is the one sentence that has the power to make you remember every bad thing you’ve ever done in your life.
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
I always look out for #1 ... unless I`m walking thru my yard, then I look out for #2