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My spirit animal is that chicken who keeps crossing the road for reasons no one can figure.
There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m still looking.
I think the tie was invented by someone who wanted to express how he felt about work but thought an actual noose was too obvious.
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
Every time you have McDonald’s as a kid, it’s a victory. Every time you have it as an adult, it’s a defeat.
How many selfies does it take to get to the center of attention?
I never said I was better than everyone else, just better than you.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
It`s only a 4 way stop if each driver can read
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
I didn`t think a McDonald`s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did...OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
If you see a guy with no arms and your first thought is “My God how does he drink his beer??”, You might be an alcoholic.