Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
Mondays should start at noon.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they`re all like "we need to talk."
Size does matter-just ask Pluto.
Just had workplace violence training. It`s like HR doesn`t even care about the first rule of fight club.
I hate it when my kid starts crying in the middle of the night and I have to get up to close the bedroom door.
Somebody told me I need adult supervision. I was like "I Know!" It would be awesome to be able to see through walls and shoot lasers out my eyes.
After how long is it ok to tell your friends that they are imaginary?
I plucked my first gray hair today ... Man, that lady was upset.
Instead of “single” as a relationship option, it should read “independently owned and operated”
To do list- (1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for the reaction.
You may think it`s bad grammar but I assure you it`s just laziness.
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
Due to no supervision and sheer lack of self control; I sincerely with GREAT guilt! Here now inform you. I ate your banana split