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Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
I inboxed a girl on Facebook and she never replied. I guess you could say we`re `seen` each other.
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
STEP 1: Sign up for email newsletter STEP 2: Receive email newsletter STEP 3: Delete unread email newsletter for the rest of your life.
I would call my fashion style: “clothes that still fit.”
My wife just said that I was the worst behaved out of all her children.
"Cannot connect to network. Reset your wireless router." "Umm, okay, but what if my router is in my neighbour`s house? Should I call him?"
If you hear a roommate having loud sex, a cool thing to do is kick down the door and shout "player 3 has entered the game!"
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
None of my coworkers get why I have fishbowl with no fish. It`s because fish can`t survive in my secret reservoir of vodka.
Of course the Pilgrims had a lot to be thankful for, all their in-laws were back in Europe.
If you pour two beers in one glass, it`s just one beer.
If I could have a superpower, it would be the ability to watch people workout and then absorb their health benefits...
I saw Tom Hanks and asked for his autograph. He abbreviated it, and it just said "Thanks"
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm the f*ck down. -Bfanch