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Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
Difference between men and women: Women can change their mind whenever they want. Men can change their mind whenever the woman wants.
I appreciate your help, but no thanks, I can f*ck up my life on my own.
Sometimes I wish that I could put my wife on airplane mode.
I`ve been taking viagara for my sunburn........ It doesn`t cure it...... but it does keep the sheets off my legs at night.
No matter how much you push the envelope - it`ll still be stationery.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
When I was on the plane the stewardess asked, do you need some headphones? I said, Hell Yeah, but how did you know my name was Phones?
The best part about being an adult is, nobody can tell you, you can`t have ice cream for breakfast.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.
I lifted my hands up in the air and waved them like I just didn`t care.....Ceiling fan: 6 Me: 0
Live each day like someone else is paying for drinks
Single, means never having to say you`re sorry.
I have tonight off so if anyone’s free let’s go somewhere and look at our phones together.
Million dollar idea: A snooze button that lets you sleep longer the harder you hit it.