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It’s a good thing not everyone has a smartphone. Someone has to honk when the light turns green.
If I were a cashier I`d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
I should`ve married myself. I`ve never said no to sex. Not once. Not one single time ever.
Taco Bell drive-thru should have a “I’m Feeling Lucky” button.
I`m at the age where an "all-nighter" just means I didn`t have to get up to pee.
The truth is, men put the lids on jars that tight so you’d need us, we’re not that stupid.
Christmas is just like a day at the office ... You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
Why is it that whenever you dial a wrong number, somebody always answers?
If I could be any animal I`d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they`ll erase what they did during the week.
My 5yr old learned how to whistle if anyone’s looking for a new 5yr old.
I don`t know why it`s necessary to get a glass dirty, when wine tastes perfectly fine straight out of the bottle.
If your wife says "what would you do without me?" "Live happily ever after" is NOT the correct answer.
Plastic surgeons are the only people that actually encourage you to pick your nose.