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Violently swerving your car will not throw a spider off the window. Doesn`t work like it does with humans. Just in case you need to know.
Why go out and pretend to like people when you have Netflix?
Ever notice how the automatic flush sensors in public restrooms kinda look like hidden cameras?
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough.
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
Next time a skinny bitch calls herself fat… I’m gonna agree with her.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
Dear life, I`ve had enough bullsh!t to last a while. Can we take a little break please.
If you`re happy and you know it, thank your ex.
"Why?" - Socrates and four year-olds
I could of sworn my pillow`s a hairdreeser...coz I always wake up with the craziest hairstyles!! :D
Someday, somewhere, somehow I’m going to do something.
Beer: Giving you the courage to talk to women but taking away the ability to make sense.
Rapunzel is my favorite fairy tale about a woman who finds happiness when a man pulls her hair.