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Love is when the guy who stocks the liquor knows your name.
One of these days I`m going to get help for my procrastination problem.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
NEVER go to a wet t shirt contest drunk. I won 2nd place.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
Anytime my boss leaves her office, I sneak in there and fart.
I wonder if dogs ever wake up in the morning and think "dear god please don`t take me jogging with you today"?
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie.. She manually Retweets everything I say... To my wife!
If Wyle E Coyote had enough cash to buy all that ACME stuff why didn’t he just buy dinner?
Whatever Mom, IF THAT`S EVEN YOUR REAL NAME!!!
If I had a British accent, I`d never shut up.
That amazing moment when you post a comment on Facebook and everyone likes it.
As I got older my six-pack turn into a keg.
Nobody talk to me until I`ve Instagrammed my coffee.
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.