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Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who the heck is giving them medical attention?!
My goal in life is to have a psychiatric disorder named after me.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone`s food pics and posting the calories.
Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
The only correct answer to "Are you ticklish?" is "I will kill you."
Dear Haters, I have so much more for you to be mad at me for...please be patient.
I´ll never be old enough to know better.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
I`m looking up in the sky and I have no idea which cloud has all my data
Give fat people a break. They have a lot on their plate.
Happy Fat Tuesday! Join me again tomorrow on I`m still fat Wednesday
Don’t let anyone push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon because that might actually be fun.
Relationship status: Private. The only way for it to be.
If we aren`t meant to have late night snacks then why is there a light in the fridge.