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Jealously is something you’re good at when you suck at everything else.
The 3 fastest means of communication: Telephone, Television, Tell-a-woman.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
"You`re as crazy as your mother" is the last thing I remember saying before waking up in intensive care
"It`s the little things in life that make you laugh," my mom used to say. I never understood it until I saw two midgets fighting at Walmart.
Tired of those Political Ads on television?...... You may be entitled to compensation.
Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
Never believe a person who claims is telling the truth while holding a pack of beers in both their hands
Why even ask how my weekend was if you’re just going to interrupt me halfway through to say “Yeah, I saw your Facebook post.”
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
i forgot how to put a status ... can anyone help me ?
Of all the things life has given to me... I would like to return 20 lbs.
The boss keeps talking about a company 401k … I don’t think I can run that far!
MARRIAGE TIP: Don`t get fat.