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My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
No PornHub, I would NOT like to share this video with my friends and family on Facebook.
I`ve got this great new drinking game where you take a shot every time you want to get more drunk.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times. -Me with beer, me without beer
You know its Monday when your left eye wont open and your right eye is twitching.
I just quit my job at the helium bottling plant. I refuse to be spoken to in that tone!
Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.
How easily you`re offended is directly proportional to how dumb you are.
If people would moan loudly during a pat down, the line would move much quicker.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.