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It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
When I say "It’s a long story," it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
I`m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
I was gonna call you... but I`m still sober.
More people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
My laptop has a Miley Virus. It`s stopped twerking.
I don’t understand decaf coffee. It’s like sex without the sex.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
I like to reward myself for getting up on time by laying in bed for another 20 minutes.
You’re not important enough to have haters. You just have a few people who notice you’re an a$$hole.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!