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The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
There`s a difference between having a unique name and a common name that`s spelled wrong.
I don`t care how smart your phone is, it`s not going to change how stupid you are.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
If it were easy then everyone would act like me.
Some day I wanna be "change my oil every 3000 miles" rich!
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
There are 3 reasons for ”Liking” someone’s Facebook status: 1. I agree. 2. I realise this is about me, so I’m liking it to rub it in your face. 3. I want to bang you.
sometimes... late at night... i rearrange traffic signs. people need to be challenged.
Instead of cleaning the house I just watch an episode of Hoarders and I think WOW, my house really looks great.
How do people dumb enough to buy $500 sunglasses make enough money to buy $500 sunglasses?
Everything I like is either: illegal, immoral, fattening, addictive, expensive, or impossible.
If you smoke after sex, you`re doing it to fast.
FYI: You can buy wedding cake even if there`s no wedding, those suckers don`t even check
"Did you know that life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate?"