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My goal today is to lose this hangover and earn another
Much to my daughters horror, I just sang along to Ace of Base`s “The Sign” at full volume in a van full of her friends. Being a dad is fun!
Looks like Waldo got on the malasian plane.. well played waldo.. well played..
There should be an "undo" button in an elevator for when you accidentally hit the wrong floor.
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
Sometimes to much to drink is never enough
Can everyone come to my funeral in FBI outfits, stand at the back & not say a word to my parents so they think I lived a cool double life.
Has marriage been on Mythbusters yet?
Ladies: if you argue with your man naked, you will win every single time.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a small donation for the local pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I know that somewhere in the Universe exists my perfect soul mate, but looking for her is much more difficult than just staying at home and ordering another pizza.
Whenever I meet a new girl, I introduce myself by shaking hands with my left hand. I don’t want her to meet her competition right away.
Vodka: Taking you from a 6 to a 10 in five easy shots
I`m not saying I`m out of shape but I just stretched, got winded, and need to lie down
Wouldn`t ventriloquists be a lot cooler if they could throw their farts?