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If you take Viagra with iron supplements it will cause you spin around and point North.
A zip line but from the sofa to the fridge
Never buy the first round cause that`s when people care what they`re drinking!
To trick people into thinking I understand things at a museum I stand in front of every painting and silently count to twenty.
You can look at some people and instantly know they’re only going to get two awards in life, a birth and a death certificate.
I pretend I don`t care but deep down I really still don`t care.
It`s not you, it`s me. I just don`t like myself when I`m around you.
Stress balls work best when you shove them down somebody`s throat.
Sometimes I just open up the cabinet and let the Tupperware hit me in the face on purpose.
Send prayers. Laura on Facebook didn`t realize she was out of syrup until AFTER the pancakes were made! It`s causing quite a stir...
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you were expecting something romantic, but this is just gardening facts.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Give a man a beer and he wastes an hour, teach him how to brew, and he wastes a lifetime.
Maybe don`t show me a picture if you don`t want me to rate your baby.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.