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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
Most problems can be solved with nudity
I don`t always agree with everything I say. :)
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
Why was the cat in the bag in the first place?
Moms birthday is next week. I can’t find a card that says “I wish you loved me more than vodka.”
You can always make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
All the advantages right-handed people have are cancelled out when we have to do our banking at the drive-up ATM left-handed.
I plan on being up really late tonight making voodoo dolls for, well, nevermind, you will know who you are soon enough
I`m a passionate supporter of things that don`t inconvenience me or require any type of action or physical effort.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
Life is all about perspective. The sinking of the Titanic was a miracle to the lobsters in the ship`s kitchen.
you know what`s funny? Obviously neither do I or I would have posted it.
Magician: Now I will cut the woman in half. Me: Why turn one problem into two?
I did all I can do. I can´t do no more