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I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
Gas prices are a lot like girls: We just wish they would go down.
I don`t hit the "Like" button on my own statuses because I am self-centered, it`s just that I amaze myself sometimes and I want to show my appreciation!!!!!!
I don`t know why Coca-Cola and Pepsi are fighting over what Santa drinks, everybody knows that big fat belly can only come from beers.
No one ever said life was easy, but several people did say that you were.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
Monday :`( Tuesday :-( Wednesday :- Thursday :-/ Friday :-| Saturday :-) Sunday B-)
Just read an article about a new species of spider in Sri Lanka that is the size of an average human`s face. In an unrelated matter, I have decided to NEVER visit Sri Lanka.
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
If I had a crystal ball to see 5 years in the future, I would have 2020 vision.
"I can`t wait to have you inside me," I whispered softly to my dinner.
My entire working knowledge of automotive repair is derived from the song "The Wheels on the Bus"
"Because it would be hilarious,"... is probably not a good reason to elect someone to be president.