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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
If it`s true that opposites attract, I should be looking for someone that gets up early and does stuff
Last night my wife said to me, “What would you do without me?” Apparently, “Your sister” was the wrong answer.
I enjoy being the black sheep of the family ... Black sheep are the prettiest & don`t show as much dirt as the white ones.
Cooking Tip: If you`re tired of always having to boil water everytime you make pasta, boil a few gallons at the beginning of the week and freeze it for later ... you`re welcome!
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
The person that named the eggplant probably isn’t allowed to name things anymore.
I think I`m gonna glue my thumbs to my nipples and pretend I`m a T-Rex.
I`m going to propose with a mood ring so I can easily see a measurement of how excited she really is.
Let`s share...you take the grenade and I`ll take the pin.
Drunk me would really appreciate a light switch on the floor.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I`m not expecting them to be practical
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
Roses are cars, violets are buckets. This poem makes no sense. Eyeballs.
Keep your friends close and your enemies tied to a train track.