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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
Diet goal: I want to lose just enough so that my hand will fit comfortably in a Pringles can...
I stepped on the scale today. Not to get my weight. I just couldn`t reach the cookies in the cupboard.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
Live life to its fullest even if that means eating everything in the fridge
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
I hate when I drop my pen on the floor and it`s slightly out of reach so I leave it there forever.
I`m glad the guy who came up with "No means no" didn`t do the whole dictionary
If you haven`t used your fingers to "expand" a picture in a Magazine today, well then you`re not me.
I’m not so much goofing off as impersonating upper management.
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
There’s nothing worse than getting $0.99 back in change.
Doctors are saying that each piece of bacon you eat takes 9 minutes off your life.... Based on the math, I should have died in 1732.
Me: I`m hungry. Fridge: I don`t give a sh*t. Cabinet: B*tch, don`t look at me. Freezer: Lol, you like ice? :-)
I will be forever in your debt if you would just loan me 1 million dollars.