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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
Just put my money where my mouth is. Pennies taste disgusting.
If you`ve never needed to move to a new city and assume a new identity, then we probably haven`t dated.
Get at least eight hours of beauty sleep, 9 if you`re ugly.
I hate people that take drugs, specially U.S. Customs and the D.E.A.
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is, "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is, "Probably because of something you did."
I sometimes check my blocklist to see how my prisoners are doing
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she cuts your brake lines.
Call me old school, but cigarettes should not have USB ports
Depresso; the feeling you get when you`ve run out of coffee.
Autocorrect changed "you`re so wise" to "you`re so wide", and now I need to find a good hiding spot before my wife comes home.
I`ve been sober 136 days. Not in a row, but still...
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
One fun way to describe Facebook is “imagine you are a mind reader in Walmart.”