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Don`t let the door hit you on the way out ... Hell, who am I kidding, I hope it hits you and knocks you down the f*cking stairs.
The high cost of livin ain`t nothin like the cost of livin high
When people tell me "You`re gonna regret that in the morning"...I sleep in till noon, because I`m a problem solver.
I`m starting group meetings at my house for people who have OCD, not because I have it, but surely one of them will be bothered enough to clean it.
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
Marriage. Because otherwise hating someone for turning the page of a newspaper too loudly would seem absurd
Sorry I didn`t answer when you called, I had 6 Peeps in my mouth
Even atheists make bargains with God when the toilet water threatens to overflow at a friend`s house.
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
Everything I need to know in life I learned in kindergarten... if you poop your pants they let you go home.
Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
It`s really difficult to find what you want on eBay. I was searching for cigarette lighters and found over 15,000 matches...
you know hes a keeper when you know his facebook login and password!
I speak my mind because it hurts to bite my tongue.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!