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I have a hidden talent......I really wish I could find it!
Just used a full size twix bar to stir my coffee.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
And by "whatever" I mean f*ck you.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
Cashier: "Would you like to donate to charity today or are you a giant piece of sh!t?"
The NFL has hired their first female referee ... She will be throwing flags for penalties the teams committed 5 years ago.
"Well that can`t be right." - dogs watching us catching balls with our hands
Ohio - High in the middle, and round at the ends.
According to my roommate`s diary, I have boundary issues.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon.
Sometimes.. late at night... I fill my bathtub with tomato sauce and pretend I am a meatball.
I once met a guy who was addicted to huffing brake fluid. He said he could stop any time.
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.