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I`m pretty sure my guardian angel just sits there watching me suffer, while rolling her eyes and painting her nails.
If camera lenses are round, why are the pictures square?
I just don`t want to look back and think "I could`ve eaten that"
I’m great at remembering names. I just don’t remember which one’s yours.
Fact: Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Found out today your supposed to urinate on a jellyfish sting, not a jelly stain. Sorry lady at waffle house....just trying to help.
I`m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
If I owned a pet store Id put a different rat in the turtle cage every night just to see if any of the turtles knew karate the next morning.
Today`s Big Idea: Coffee eye drops.
I know its true love when I like you even when I`m sober.
Once you get past my charm, good looks, intelligence and my sense of humor, I think it’s my modesty that stands out.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.
Apparently, driving past police cars while drinking water from an old vodka bottle isn`t `funny` and is technically `wasting` police time :(
Another year has passed. I`ve just about given up on the Mayans.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"