Daily Silly Status

I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember

I`ve decided I`m not going to focus on my past anymore. So, if I owe you money, I`m sorry.

Wine with crackers and cheese is basically just the classy version of beer and nachos.

Heard you like bad boys .... Well, I`m not trying to impress you or anything, but when Disney Channel asked me to go to their website with my parents permission, I didn`t ask my parents.

Don`t be embarrassed by who you are. Unless you`re stupid. Then you`re pretty much screwed.

Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.

I have more conversations in my head than I do in real life.

If pigs could fly.. Would I be able to get high on bacon?

Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.

After four karate lessons, I can now break a two-inch board with my cast.

Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)

Cheer Up. Right now, somebody, somewhere, is thinking about you naked.

It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.

I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.

Based on my reaction to toast popping out of a toaster, I’d like to recommend you never throw me a surprise party.