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My girlfriend said she wasn`t impressed and felt she needed a man with at least 6 inches. So I folded it in half.
What if pay-phones are disappearing so they can keep us in the matrix?
Why is it that people who drink energy drinks seem like the people with the least amount of stuff going on?
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I`m not above slashing my own tires to avoid going to this family brunch.
To everybody that is single don`t worry you will have your day............ Palm Sunday is just around the corner
Sometimes Google should just come back with an answer that says, `Trust me, you don`t want to know.`
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
My wife said to go out and buy something that makes her look hot & sexy for Valentine`s Day! So I got drunk.
There are two rules to success in life - 1. Don`t tell people everything you know
What idiot called it the "Happy Birthday" song instead of New Age music
Nothing sadder than the look on my dogs face when I drop food from the table and they realize it`s lettuce.
Never go on a blind date with a friend! She was so big when i took her home she went to my backyard and started grazing.