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To all them girls who go out , looking sexy as hell but have boyfriends.......Please continue to do so when you`re married.
Never sit down in front of the computer while having breakfast because when you get up it’ll be dinner time.
If someone says you used too much butter or cheese on something, stop talking to them. You don`t need that kind of negativity
You can`t lick any part of your reflection except your tongue.
In terms of procrastination, I had a very productive day.
Don`t tell me I have to say "Happy Holidays" so nobody gets offended. I will "Merry Christmas" the sh!t out of you.
Gray hair is the human body`s equivalent of low toner.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it`s a small soft drink.
WikiHow suggested 9 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day.... I did all by ?#? SLEEPING?the whole day! How???? I smoked less, used water/power less etc. Wikiwikiwiki!!!!!
Just think of how different the world would be if Noah had eaten those two chickens.
Girlfriend: You`re acting like a little kid. Me: What do mean, little kids can`t drink.
Dear Vegetarians, Thanks for saving the good food for us.
I ordered myself an Eastern European bride online. SO EXCITED. Just received confirmation… My Czech is in the mail!
As far as distractions go ... I like to think I`m a good one.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on Facebook. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?