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Just deserts: When a cashier hands you dollar bills back as change. Hold them up to the light like they do when you pay them.
Decaf only works if you throw it on people.
This time change has me all messed up. Driving with my hands at 11 and 3 is hard
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
Sorry but if these walls could talk I`m pretty sure they`d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you`re blowing out of proportion.
I read an actual newspaper today! For those of you who don`t understand, a newspaper is like the Internet but made of paper.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
Look, all I`m saying is that the dinosaurs didn`t drink alcohol and look what happened to them.
Babies are so cute because none of them are mine.
Dudes get one chest or arm tattoo and suddenly forget to wear shirts.
People are way less judgmental when you say you had an "avocado salad" instead of saying you ate a bowl of guacamole.
I always hear people say that a dog is man`s best friend, but I don`t even have enemies who`ll look me dead in my face while taking a sh!t on my carpet.
I got in touch with my inner child and the little sh!t hung up on me.
If you ring my door bell you better be the pizza guy or a sexy naked lady ... with a pizza.
My girlfriend wanted me to come shopping, but I had a headache... I must have caught it from her last night when we didn`t have sex.