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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
Can`t dance? Spell your name....in the air...with your butt. BOOM! Next problem...
You lied....you don`t have a Klondike Bar do ya?
To all my friends who post Controversial, Obscene, Dirty, Offensive, and Derogatory posts, .. Keep that sh!t up. I like it....
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
Everyone talks about leaving a better planet for our kids. Let`s try to leave better kids for our planet.
I`ve learned more from one season of "Shark tank", than I ever learned in four years of buisness school.
Wife: give me money I want to buy a bra. Husband: you`ve got nothing to put in them. Wife: you wear shorts
According to my nipples, there is a 99% chance it`s cold as hell right now!
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Being gay is fine. Being lesbian is fine. Being straight is fine. But do you know what’s not fine? Wearing crocs. That is NOT okay
Facebook: Cause why drunk dial one person when you can drunk post the world?
When you are a kid, it makes you feel proud when someone says "Wow! You`ve gotten so big since I last saw you!" As an adult, not so much.
Suddenly I can`t remember if it`s ok to use tampons as Nerf darts or if it`s the other way around.
I was in my kitchen cleaning when suddenly I realized OMG! ... I`m late for Facebook!!